Friday, January 22, 2010

When it rains..

 I woke up a few times in the middle of the night the night before last. I had a couple of bad dreams and couldn't sleep. It was a rough night to say the least. It started raining at some point early yesterday morning. It wasn't an extremely heavy rain, but it was steady enough for me to hear inside. As I laid in my bed awake, listening, I drove myself into deep thought.

--On December 3rd my boyfriend lost the privileges of using his phone and computer. I'm not sure of what happened, but he text my best friends phone to tell me that he wasn't going to have a way to talk to me for about a month because of some school problems(I didn't have a cell phone). I was hurt of course, and I cried enough to fill up the river after a drought, but I knew that we could make it through. I talked to my sister about it, and she told me the same thing I was telling myself.

  'Now only time will tell. If this is real love, we will make it through and possibly come out with a stronger relationship. If its not, then we will fall apart in this next month and nothing will ever come of the last year we have spent convincing ourselves that it's love.'

  Thinking about that made me want to make certain that I kept everything written down so that he would know everything that was going on with me while we weren't able to talk. It made me feel better.

  So I started writing. Every night. Most mornings, and some afternoons. I wrote about everything, and everyone. I wrote stories and sent them, and described to him my sexual urges; All normal things in our relationship. If something happened, I made a mental note to tell him about it in my next email. I did not have internet connection on my laptop at all times, but when I had the chance, I would email all of the letters I had wrote on my computer throughout that previous period of time.

  This was continuous throughout the entire month of December, and the beginning of January. I moved in with my sister, and received the internet connection I felt that I constantly needed. Thsis wasn't a good thing. I stayed logged into my emails, and other applications just hoping to hear something, but I didn't. I received nothing.

I told you that, to tell you this..

 --Today I started the day off by listening to music, and thinking.Thinking what what I would be doing if I had a job, what life would be like if I was five years older, if I got a puppy what I would name it. It started raining a bit harder, and  I began to think about the way my morning would have started if I was able to actually be with my boyfriend. Let me tell you, It was pretty amazing.

  I found myself lost in this erotic fantasy, and I mean lost. I couldn't stop. I was buried in the blankets on my bed, pillows all around me, dildo in one hand, and massager in the other ,pillow between my legs and  muffled vibrations purring through my blankets.. Pleasuring myself to the thought of our bodies tangled up in one another. Skin to skin. Storming outside, cloudy.Touching. Kissing. Sucking. Nibbling. The works. It was completely satisfying. Ahh yes.

  I came out of this magnificent tranquil because my niece knocked at my door saying she wanted my bears..the ones that my bf sent me. She is obsessed with them. I of course don't care if she plays with them during the day (I sleep with them at night), but she has bad timing! Oh it was so good too! Grr. :)

  Well I got up, handed her the bears through a crack in the door, closed it, and by the time I got back in bed I had lost the drive to please myself. Somehow handing my niece a couple of stuffed bears through the door turned me off. I'll never know. :P   It happens I guess.

  Now the two stories tie in..

  I got all of my things put away and I settled back into my bed with my laptop. I then fell sad. I started thinking about how I have yet to talk to him. About how I do miss him all the time, but for the last couple of
weeks I have lost the initiative to email him like I was. I feel like I'm not trying as hard as I was before. I don't know what happened. I just stopped trying so hard. It seemed like I was trying but it wasn't getting me anywhere so now I'm barely trying at all. I feel like I'm not doing what I need to be doing so that our relationship will still be in tact when the time comes, but at the same time, I don't have much to talk about at all. I write articles, and link my blogs to him of course, but I don't write every day/night, and I'm linking the same  blog link because my blog hasn't changed, duh. It's just depressing sometimes.

   I got up and decided that things will get better, so I had an overall good day. I wrote a review (also posted on this blog), started another review and began an article for Eden Cafe, as well as took some time to look at old pics of me and how I have changed. I felt good about myself. Mostly because my sister complimented my weight loss, and I looked at myself naked in the mirror and noticed it myself. I'm pretty conceited sometimes . =P 

Thanks to the dreary rain in the early morning, my day turned out great.